Tuesday, November 11, 2008

{A DOG NAMED GOD}

Listen, first of all, fuck you. Fuck you and all your elaborate buildings and patterns and plans, all your fucking books and movies and talk about all kinds of shit I haven't even said. Blasphemous as it may seem I don't care anymore. I've been following and listening to you for some time and now I am stuck in a big black fucking void and your supposed to be the all knowing, all powerful, above and below being that all your stupid books talk about yet you show me nothing to dig myself out of this hole that I am stuck in. I have been loyal to you. I have done many great things in your name and still I can't feel anything but spite in this moment. 

I want to put you back on the cross and hammer those nine inch nails right back into your wrists but I know that I am just a coward, I know that much. I am sick of calling your name, I am sick of your tricks and your trades of sacrifice for a tiny piece of rice that disintegrates in my hand the moment that I touch it, and most of all I am so fucking sick of having to complain about how much your fucking pissing me off. I have been down so many of your tortured roads. I have left burned down roads from the flames of this fury inside of me. The fire still burns I can't seem to put it out and am ready to put myself out. I am ready to throw water on myself and dig a hole and bury myself right in it. I am sick of your fucking buildings, your money, your power and prestige, your proof, your science, your art, your philosophy. 

You made me in your image and I keep looking everywhere and yes I have found things. I have found what its like to love another and I have found what its like to feel so much love inside. I have seen what its like for the opposite of that. I have witnessed everything in your fucking books, that I know of so far. I don't know anymore about anything. I don't know what the point of all this is. I don't know why I am here. I don't know why I chose this hell. I don't know why I am bitter. I don't know why my humor has left me. If you are the great and powerful all seeing one then please put on your list that I am the next one to take out of here because I can't take this pain and suffering anymore. I have spent 6 months now, wallowing, trying to find the words to say to you. Nothing. I shut my eyes and see nothing. I feel nothing. I keep hitting your walls that you built around me. You humble me and humiliate me and my pride leaves then I have no confidence anymore in anything and I sit here waiting, waiting, waiting and then I tire of waiting so I try and do something and still nothing happens. 

I am not your dog, you are not my dog. I am not pavlov, so please stop showing me food and ringing that fucking bell so that I can sit in front and drool all over the place because I am ready to bite your fucking hand off. I am starving. I am poor. You have reduced me to nothing and you just sit there in your big fancy fucking chair with all the jewels on it and you want me to make you laugh but the fucked up thing is you already are, your laughing at how pathetic I am, at how fucking pathetic even this long winded paragraph is. You'll send people to read this long paragraph and they will say how fucked up I am or how I am lost or all these other things I need to do. Last time I checked though we are human beings, not human doings. 

Even this catharsis is killing me, I keep letting it out and out and it just keeps biting me in the ass. You keep telling me how beautiful the world is but your stupid little newspapers keep telling me of all these promises about how everything will change, how everything will pass, how this is going to happen and how that is going to happen and you know what we are still in the same fucking place we have always been. Your history is proof of that. I have read so much of your literature, your history, your holy wars, your sciences and have spent much time with many people in all areas of your field and all I can say is that I have seen much disappointment. I have failed. I am weaker than you. I keep showing you that and then I snap out of it and I find it again, I find that footing for a moment and it feels great and then you throw me down again to the ground and you punch and kick me while I am down and I cry and I scream because I can't take it anymore, then I am a victim, then I am a crook because I still work for you without pay, I still clean up all your messes. That is how much of a fucking fool I am, I never give up but this time I am. 

Fuck you god, you can have your fucking nest back and all your eggs and everything and if you actually want to show your face this time and have a conversation with me that might amount to something then I welcome you with open arms and open ears. 

So if you want to stop fucking with me and actually show me what you are trying to show me then fine, otherwise this is it. I am done. Finished, but if this is all just the opposite of what I am feeling right now and saying then please prove to me I am wrong.

I am done proving myself to you and taking the beating and backlash.

with love or without.