Friday, January 16, 2009

{AND ANOTHER MEMORY}

This one time I was on the school bus going home with the kids and I was in this state of anger and frustration and one of my friends was sitting with me and he had a black magic marker so we decided to write on the seats. He wrote GNR which stood for guns and roses and I decided to take it all the way and write "fuck you" in very large letters, as big as I could get them I remember. 

This was my outlet, my way of dealing with all of the things that just didn't seem right around me. I wanted so badly just to really say it out loud to everyone but instead, the silence was killing me, so I did it silently to top it off. I feel this has been a lifelong theme. Silent destruction and being pissed off at the world and the way that it is but all I can really do now is sit back, eat some popcorn and let it perpetuate itself. I watch it collapse on its own foundation. I watch it like a movie and know that I can't do anything to change how other people view their lives and what they do with what they decided and what they chose for things that happen to them. It killed this part of me that needed to die. The projector is going. Everything that was buried from these times I have dug up and looked at and burned away for good. I have felt like I have been throwing the ashes into outer space where they will never be reached again. They fly through the nearest black hole. Get sucked up and disappear forever from this life.

So here we are now in NYC now reliving all these old scenes from inside my head of this one time that I had fucked everything up all in one moment only to make a huge wave that would end up knocking us down onto our asses. One year later. Seventeen years later, it never mattered about the time. It fell apart again. So surreal and so connected when it was on only to blow up right in our fucking faces. I know that there's something better out there now because it was never out there in the first place. The vacuum of space is taking it all away and although you can't erase the past, you can rewrite the present. 

It's all a done deal. It's already happened when you want it to. I now understand how hungry we are for happiness.