Friday, January 16, 2009


I remember she came over to the house one day and we all hung out. Mom made coffee for both of them and I played with some sort of matchbox car or something. I knew things were changing, I could feel it somehow. More and more every day. Then roughly a month later that's when the new man started arriving. Before this new man, there was another man before. He was the donor of my brother. I don't remember him too much at all. I only remember one night standing next to my brother's crib and watching him sleep. I don't really know why I did it but it was very interesting. I remember seeing big flashes of white light this one night while I stood over him. To this day, I will never really know what happened. So the next moment the new man is in mom's and he's appearing more and more frequently. This started to make me feel a little uneasy because before all this it had been just mom, brother, and I. I would have liked to write more about my brother but I have seemed to forget a lot of the different memories from these days.

So the next moment of change began. We moved to Ware, Massachusetts. Definitely a big change. This is when I started to become even more aware of the understanding of life up to that point. I understood that we were on, we were things that had some sort of idea that something was going on and we were apart of it. I remember the guy across the street raking leaves in front of his house. Fall and winter I remember the most of this place. I remember these seasons were the most when the man's behavior changed the most. There was this one night when I was sleeping on the top bunk of the bed and I was awakened by the man hitting me really hard in the face and hitting me in the stomach. Why he was doing this I am not sure of. I cried for most of the night through after this happened. I always wondered if my brother heard what happened that night because we never spoke about any of those things that happened in the middle of the night. 

The man started drinking more and more and started coming home later and later. I remember frequently waking up late at night with really bad growing pains in my legs. Everyone was wondering why I was up so late. It hurt so much to be able to sleep but at the same time I was so sleepy, like sleep walking. There was this other time I was walking around the streets by myself which is what I did most days that we didn't have to go to school. There wasn't much else to do in this shitty factor town loaded with drugs and misery. As I walked the streets I must have been about 10 years old or so. This one day I was walking I found a baby walking in the middle of the street in a diaper all by itself. I didn't know what to do for the baby but my intuition told me to put it in someone's yard where there was a gate that was open and a door also open to an apartment. There were people making a lot of loud noises. I always hoped that was the right decision in that time. I was too young to know what to do. I kept that memory to myself for so long and just remembered it now. 

Growing up in this small town showed me some of the darkest things that exist in people. I started to affect how I viewed people. How I viewed the kids at school, the kids on the street, the teachers, the bus drivers, the principals, the guy downstairs, mom, stepdad, brother, sister, and many other people I can barely remember. It built up so much inside of me that I started to withdraw even more than usual, I became more interested in what I could do alone. 

I started hanging out in the woods with the birds, watching the kids pass through and they would always ask me what I was doing out there hanging out all by myself. 

I wouldn't say much, I was just feel the wind, I would watch it flow over the ferns and watch the river flow over all of the junk that people threw in it.