Monday, January 12, 2009


What will happen when we have let go of the past and the future completely? Will we really live? These ideas really get me thinking about the structures of this systematic life that has been pushed on us since day one. You are born in a hospital and they take professionals to help bring you out of the womb and into the world. Then they send you a bill. Then they bring you home and put you into a crib and you sit motionless without anything to be able to say or do. You watch this piece of plastic spin in circles while mom and dad argue because it's been nine months since they last had sex. Dads feeling real sexed up but moms tired from all this childbirth business. Your too young to even fathom what any of this means but your ears are open enough to take it all in. Things like this happen over and over and over again. 

Dad says this, mom says that. They go at it for years. They teach you words that you go on repeating. You say moms name first because it's her that you spend most of your time with. This pisses dad off because now he's wondering if he's being neglected yet again. It goes from one thing to the next. Your a helpless little child and everyone is doing everything for you and all you have to do is cry and everyone comes to you. Then you laugh and everyone's laughing. Everyone's smiling. The game begins. I would call it the game of mimic. A mirror. Then you're old enough to go to school. They line you up outside of the school walls and all the mom's and dad's are there but they are leaving one by one. They are leaving you in the hands of these people, who while your parents are there are smiling and being polite. Some kids around you start crying because they aren't used to being separated from the parents and your just standing there confused. You see mom go. Where is she going? I guess it doesn't matter. You see this new lady in her place but something is off and somehow you know it has something to do with the same exact thing that you are going through now. You go into the classroom and they make you remember the alphabet like you forgot it. They teach you to share, they teach you to separate the differences between shapes and colors. They teach you the similarities. Then you start doing it to each other. You start seeing everything that is different from you. You start seeing the same. You start seeing girls as girls and boys as boys. 

You go outside to this thing called recess where you get to play for half an hour with the other kids but everyone is in groups, no one wants you to join one of them. They all tell you to get lost. You're not welcome in this one of that one. So you play alone. You start to lose interest in being social because you feel that no one wants to be social with you. You feel saddened inside. You want to share yourself with everyone, only no one wants you to. They see you as a threat for some reason and you are too young to understand why, or so they think this. You go back into the classroom and you sit in the chair and listen to all the things being said to you but you don't get what any of it means. You just sit and listen and they ask you questions but you don't know the answers they want you to know. So they all think that you are mildly retarded because you are quiet and because all you know how to do is take it all in. Then the bell rings and you walk to the bus. They form you into lines and you wait your turn. You wait and wait and wait. This girl keeps looking at you. You don't understand why. You wave to her and she turns red in the face. She blushes and seems like she doesn't want to talk to you so you become afraid and make every attempt to ignore all other girls from this day forward. Then you get on the bus and everyone moves to the outside of their seats so that you cannot sit with them. You find a seat for yourself and sit alone and you look out the window watching the scenery pass by as the driver stops at each stop and everyone gets off. 

You become more and more alienated from all of the people around you and feel that they want nothing to do with you at this point but you want nothing more than to connect, to feel alive with the people all around you but it all seems like a daydream. You get off of the bus and listen to it drive away and you walk to the front door and climb the stairs to the third floor of the apartment. Mom's cooking dinner. You play outside for the afternoon. Running around the yard. Watching ants follow each other into the hole they have made in the ground. Mom calls from the window and she says that dinner is ready. Come on up and eat. You say okay I will be up there in a minute. You walk up the stairs again and it always seems like forever getting to the top of them. You open the door with your tiny little hands and open the door and the smell of food wafts through the house. Your brother is there, your sister is there. This span of time has been stretched from the last portion that you can remember because in this time another man walks through the door and you know he's not your dad and it's not because he looks different but because of the way he looks at you. Then you flashback to a time you were sitting on the toilet taking a shit. Mom and dad were fighting. Dad opens the door and says he has to go. You don't really know why but you do know that you might not ever see him again. You come out of the bathroom and mom is crying at the table and she's wishing that things were different and that you have to go to work with her tomorrow. You say ok, fine that is not a problem. Whatever we need to do. 

You get in the car the next day and head off to some factory where you hang out and watch people put boxes together. You smell burning plastic. You see these chairs being put into the boxes. Mom works with these people that are so nice to you. You listen to them tease each other all day and eat turkey sandwiches. You watch them continue to put the chairs together then pack them into the stack of boxes that keeps on being piled higher and higher and higher. Then they are loaded onto a truck and after the truck is full they leave with them and take them off to some place to be sold, that's what one of the guys tells you. Then after work is over you get back into the car with mom and her friends and you peel off into the sunset. You listen to the rock music on the radio and watch everyone crack open a beer for the road home. They even give you sips of it which make you feel kind of funny but at the same time, everything is so hilarious, so hilarious and full of light. Then you remember a time when you are walking with mom on a very hot day and the street is being paved that day. The tar is so hot you can see the heat waves coming off of it. While walking from one sidewalk to the next her wooden clog gets stuck and you help her get out of it. She looks at you in a way that you haven't seen her look at you. She's so happy to have you she cries a little. 

You go to the grocery store with her to get food for dinner. You get a pack of Michael Jackson bubble gum. Then there's another time you are playing outside in the driveway on your nightrider big-wheel and some kids call you over underneath the porch and they say that they want to show you something. They get you underneath the porch and proceed to hold you down and one kid covers your mouth and another covers your nose so you can't breathe. You freak out and kick one of them in the shin. They let you go and you start crying because you don't understand what just happened but you know that you didn't like it. You run upstairs, mom asks you what's wrong? You tell her in the best way that you can. She calls the police and the officer shows up to file a report. You tell him everything that happened and you never see those kids again. Then there's another time that you are stuck in the house with some guy that you don't know and he's asleep on the couch. You are so bored sitting around the house doing nothing so you go outside and play in the driveway. You spend the whole day outside. He spends the whole day asleep. You don't notice each other at all. It's like nothing exists on this day. 

Later on, you walk back up three flights of stairs and you try to get back into the house but the screen door is locked. You start to cry and yell to be let in and that man answers the door naked, he smells bad and is very angry that you left the house. He rips you back into the house and hits you very hard, so hard you fall back on your ass very hard. This memory doesn't get relayed to anyone or anything for a very long time but it sticks with you. Then another day you remember walking so far all day to some house on the outskirts of the small city you grew up in. There is a van in the driveway. You go inside with mom and there is another guy that you don't know and they start to smoke in the house and it smells funny. 

After that happens, they get into an argument in front of you and it's real intense so mom grabs you and you storm out of the house together and walk back home. 

When you finally do arrive it is dark out and you are very tired so you go to sleep.